should be read under no circumstances. i just need to write it.


OKAY.

i'm not sure. i'm split between too many things. there's part of me that wants to do bad things because why should i care anymore. i honestly lost all faith in love after i realized what you were doing was final. and even now, i still love you. i don't get over things quickly or easily, or sometimes at all. you'd be the first to know that, though. i want to beg you to tell me why. why. why. why. why. why. why. why. why. why. why. why. why. why. why. why. why. why. why. why. why. why. why. why. why. why. why. why. why. why. why. why. why. why. why. why. why. why. why. why. why. why. why. why. why. why. why. why. why. why. why. why. why. why. why. why. why. why. why. why. why. why. why. why. why. why. why. why.

you probably wouldn't have a very good answer, though. and so that's when i feel like i couldn't care less. couldn't care less about my previous goals hopes dreams wishes, couldn't care less about if i ruin myself or not, if i lose another bit of me or not, if i just give up entirely or not. the danger, or even just the thought of danger.. sometimes it's the only thing that can make me feel anything at all, and i still can't fucking believe you.

because part of me wants to stop acting like i give a damn, wants to let go of this need of mine to give a damn about things.. but then the other part of me wants you to come and save me before i throw everything that's left away. i want you to save me like you used to, save me like you still fucking know how. save me as if you actually want to. and i know you won't. you just won't. not ever. but the thought won't leave me alone. it entices me when i have to watch my life floating further and further away. how has it been half a year? more, even? how? where did all that time go?

well i can tell you, i suppose. it was me spending countless days believing you were just a mile or two away, me being patient and trusting you. it was me foolishly believing that summer doesn't change people. it was me on the first day trying to find you and getting worried for the first time in a while. it was me finding you and the word you spoke that ended my life.

and so maybe you didn't notice.
maybe you were too busy
doing other things and
being with other
people.

it's not fair that you act like you don't know what i mean when i ask, "do you hate me?" or "are you mad with me?"
because why shouldn't i think those things? why not?
and then you and your eloquent words, your hypnotic smile and soothing tone. you think you can make it okay by playing to what i know. it's not fucking good enough.
i think you know that.

i think you know that you were my best friend, regardless. it was unspoken, it was the most natural thing, it was something we didn't ever need to voice. it was true.
and i told you just about every damn thought that ever crossed my mind,
because i trusted you. i loved you. i felt okay telling you anything.
goddamn, and i even talked to you about
the kinds of things i'd only have talked about to a girl.
but you were you and so
it was okay.

this is not okay, though.
and you have to know that, because remember when i promised you that you were smarter? remember that?

it hurts too much to think and i just want to cry except nobody really hears it anymore.
i hate seeing you do things i recognize, like the way you walk in place without moving your feet as you stand talking to people. how you don't really look at people when you walk through crowds (except you looked at me every day. and our eyes were burning one another's and it took my breath away.)

what do i tell myself?



and so i can't find a way back to you. and so i let myself fall down down down down down and it feels better than lying here, bleeding. it feels better than the way your indifference stings like ice at the poles. better than the way my heart misses you with every single beat.

PLEASE STOP.

i don't know what to do. i'm going to let myself fall off the edge because that's all that's left for me. and i'd say it's all your fault, but
i hate blaming you because
1) i just do, and
2) you always had a better argument than i did.

but really. how is this not your fault?
and that's kind of the thing; you're the most irritatingly logical person on the face of the earth. and so there is no way in hell you just decided to start disregarding my existence and the fact of our friendship. there was a reason. because you need reasons. and you need logic. you need the evidence lined up before your very own eyes. you need rationality and purpose. and so this was not something random. this is something that made sense to you, somehow. now my question is, why? why did abandoning a person who let you all the way in to their life make any sense to you? why did you feel it was a logical decison to forget all about me?

i need to stop asking questions, because there's no one left to answer them.
i need to stop moving at the inverse of the speed of light.
and i thought i could obtain that through a distraction, but
it just doesn't work that way. it doesn't because at the end of the day, all i see is your face, and all i hear are your words, the sound of my name on your lips. this has always been about you.

i want to just let go of caring so much. it doesn't work like that, i know, but i wish i could. i wish i had never met you to begin with.
wish number one: you fix this mess and you fix me. and you remember what it means to love me.
wish number two: i escape to a different dimension, in which i never met you and this does not exist.

wishes don't mean shit.

SO I KIND OF WANT TO JUMP OFF OF THIS THING AND
JUST GET AS FAR AWAY FROM YOU AS POSSIBLE.
because doing these things for these reasons... it's the opposite of you and i. and that's where i need to be, if i can't have us. in between hurts too damn much.

so i need to escape the fact that i mean nothing to the only person who's ever meant something to me, relatively. i need to be so filthy and bad because it's the only thing left to get rid of; this cleanliness from spring and from when i knew who i was. i need to lose myself so maybe i can build something new.
so i can build a new life to fit into.
so i'm letting him.
and he's going to be the way
i get there.
and it's so wrong of me
and he doesn't even know
what this is,
he doesn't,
won't ever.
and i'm a bitch.
because to me, he's
something completely
unrelated to who he actually is.
he's something to do with you and how i'm dealing with you and all this.
and it's terrible.
i'm such a bitch.

but i'm giving him what he wants.
i'm getting the thrill of bad, and of not caring and of getting so far that i almost can't taste your perfect lips anymore. so fuck this and
fuck life.
and fuck you, john.






OKAY.


done venting.
please ignore.
please no questions.